Tis Me Michelle

Is that a thing? This is assuming we live til 90+ obviously. That seems like forever away and yet it will be here in a blink of an eye. I mean I can’t believe I’m in my thirties. That’s part of this crisis. I’ve seen some things about the ‘Millenial Crisis/Burnout’… That may be where I fall ultimately.

At 31 going on 32, I still have no idea what I’m doing with my life.

I fell into a career that was driven by what my family wanted for me. What did they want for me? STABILITY. And to be honest, I get where they are coming from. I worked at some really cool places that offered stability. Even still, there was an underlying feeling that I was simply going through the motions. More than that… I felt like I had no idea what I was doing coupled with no desire to learn because I was so clearly not where I wanted to be.

So where does that leave me? In a cycle of projection, blaming, and complaining. In what feels like a defining decade for my life, I have spent the majority of my time complaining about how life wasn’t fair, largely a result of limited satisfaction in my career. It’s a conflicting place to be when I am abundantly grateful for the opportunities that have come my way, allowing me to learn more than I could have imagined and make great friends along the journey.

Yet at the end of the day, I’m further from the real me I’ve ever been, or the me I hope to be. It was harder to hide in my last job, I knew enough that I was able to get by because I was still doing my job well. Then I moved jobs because I thought it was the job that made me unhappy and stuck. But it was so obviously not the job, it was me. [insert taylor swift lyrics here]. And there were consequences, rightfully so. Now I’m at a crossroads of life if you will. That sounds very woo-woo.

At this moment in time, I’m still not entirely who or where I want to be. And that feeling is really taking a toll on me because I feel to some extent that I’ve ‘wasted’ so much time. But was it a waste? It’s hard to really say right now because I feel so stuck. On the flip side, I’ve had so many experiences and even more important connections with people I would have never had otherwise. So, no, it was not a waste. It is a chapter of my story. One that I think is finally coming to an end.

What’s the next chapter? A lot of introspection. I don’t know what all this will amount to, but I hope the next chapter brings me back to the me I hope to be; kind, giving, and creative. I want to pursue my creative interests. Which includes making art (drawing, painting, photography, etc.), food (cooking, baking, exploring new restaurants & cultures of food), traveling (locally, domestically & internationally), and writing (this is kind of newer, but writing here and a few other things that have sparked my interest lately). And I ultimately want to do work that makes this world a better place to be in.

I know it’s going to be hard. It’s going to be hard because it will be starting from the ground up. It will be hard to make my family understand that it’s not as simple as jumping into another job. But if this isn’t a sign to turn the page and start the next chapter, I don’t know what is. Here’s to getting one step closer to my authentic self.