Tis Me Michelle

What a year… Saying it’s been a rollercoaster is really the best way I can describe it. A crossroads in many ways. I’m not sure if I developed it or it became too hard to suppress, but my anxiety and depression really kicked in the last 2-3 years. And it reached its boiling point over the first half of this year.

I’m sure there were all kinds of factors building up to it. Living in such a career-centric, productivity-driven atmosphere definitely added to it. Trying to force myself to make things work in places that clearly weren’t a fit. We always hear those quotes about ‘failure is the stepping stone to success’, and whatnot. For the first time in my life, it finally made sense. I can’t say I’ve overcome it because failing and ‘not being good’ enough, at anything and everything, is a big fear of mine. And so when I wasn’t making progress or getting any better at my job(s), I felt paralyzed. By both trying too hard at things I knew wouldn’t make a difference and at the same time not knowing what to do to make the difference. Just as I reached new levels of anxiety and depression during this period, I got hit with the news that I was being let go of my job. It ended up being the best news I could have gotten.

I know that sounds counterintuitive. Even with so many facets of life, the main focus of my life had been work for too long. I just felt a weight instantly being lifted. I mean there was also fear of what came next and financial stress, but I couldn’t help but feel grateful for the chance to just breathe and not feel trapped. It just felt like ‘God’ or the ‘Universe’ was looking out for me. And ever since, for the most part, I feel like things have just been better.

To quote some legends, Aly & AJ, “Life is good, I can‘t complain. I mean, I could, but no one’s listening“. Right after that pivotal moment, which at any other point in my life would have probably led to anxiety and depression, has felt like a series of blessings. I was lucky to have two months of financial stability to catch a break. I took better care of my health, tapped into my creativity, and traveled. It was wonderful. And before I could even worry about my next job, I had a wonderful friend set one up for me. I was hesitant when it came up, but it’s been a saving grace, especially financially. It was a move I would have never made for myself, but somehow has felt like it was meant to be. I’m so grateful to everyone who has supported me in so many ways throughout this time.

I’m so thankful for how this year has shaped out for my life. I still have so much growth ahead. After so many years of feeling like I wasn’t doing anything right, I finally feel like I’m right where I’m meant to be. I’ve always been rather blessed, often times I don’t know how I’ve been so lucky time after time. Going into this year, I wanted 2023 to be the year I got ‘comfortable with being uncomfortable’. I don’t know if I’ve quite achieved that. But I am so much more comfortable with being me, the me I’ve always wanted to be, and am finally becoming.