Tis Me Michelle

I wasn’t sure about writing this post. I almost made this into a video for my YouTube channel, but I knew I wouldn’t be able to articulate it well enough in that format. At the same time, I wanted to reflect on this because the holidays are an interesting time. There is so much love and joy and celebration, and for some, it can be incredibly lonely and confusing.

I grew up in a Christian household. If you asked me today what my religion was I would most likely say Christian. More out of habit than anything else. If someone in my Indian community asked what I was, I would say, Mar Thoma, because it’s more about understanding which community and environment you grew up in rather than what you actually believe in. I’m sure I’ve mentioned somewhere before that I felt like the church life I grew up in leaned more toward culture versus religion. So I always had a disconnect with really feeling like I had a strong grounding in my faith and felt like church was just somewhere I had to go.

It’s hard to believe in something when people make up their own interpretations of whatever religion it is they believe in. Even worse when they use it to spew hatred. There wasn’t anything terrible that happened in the church I grew up. It was very obvious that the traditional patriarchal beliefs were there, which isn’t surprising in my community. I knew that when I left my home I would likely not go to an Indian church, I did try it out, but I also was pretty sure I would still go to church. It’s just what I did.

After a few months of occasionally attending the Indian church or trying out other churches, I stumbled on one that piqued my interest. It was a non-denominational church and I tried it out once and had a really interesting first experience. I happened to go on a day they were breaking down the church finances and talking about the vision for the next year. As a former product manager who was always asking my teams about roadmaps, I was blown away by the thought and transparency of this church. So I was drawn in.

I began attending regularly and at some point started even doing children’s ministry. At this church, they basically had Sunday School + daycare and I was doing more of the daycare side. I had been a Sunday School aid before at my Indian church. Honestly, that should have been a flag for me because I knew the basics, but I never felt comfortable enough in my knowledge or belief to actually teach the Bible. But I enjoyed it and for the first time felt connected to Christianity or at least I was closer than before. However, I didn’t make any real connections with the people in the church, whereas I had friends in the church where I grew up but had a disconnect with the church itself. I kept going anyway because I felt like I was getting what I needed on the spiritual side.

During the pandemic, the church had online sermons, which I watched from time to time. But I can’t deny that for the most part I just drifted. I didn’t have to get ready and get myself there, I wasn’t doing the children’s ministry and I really didn’t know anyone to keep up with, so it was super easy to get disconnected. As the world came back around, I took my sweet time going back. Eventually, I started going, but rarely. Earlier this year I was like, I gotta get back into it and I went more regularly. This time though, I really felt the lack of connections and it just felt different from what first drew me into the church.

I thought if I got back into the children’s ministry that would help. For a few weeks I looked for this lovely woman who ran it, but I just kept missing her. She was one of the few people I knew and loved, but we didn’t keep in touch a whole lot. One day I decided to text her. To show just how disconnected I was from the church, she told me she had left the church an entire year before. I could not even believe it. Long story, long… We met up and she gave me the scoop on why she left.

Again with this church, nothing absolutely terrible has happened. It was just a tale as old as time. People so often use religion as a way to gain power. This church gave me hope that I could be more spiritual and religious, because of the way it ran. But I could feel the shift from attending in those more recent times, and once you learn something you can’t unlearn it. I was entirely disappointed. I haven’t been back to that church since.

Since then I’ve been in this strange inbetween state. I’ve attempted a few other churches here and there, but nothing felt right. And in truth, I’ve never been entirely connected to religion, but it’s also something I’ve consistently had in my life. I know there are plenty of other religions as well, but I think I’d end up in the same predicament if I even entertained exploring those.

What I do know is that I still believe in a higher power. It’s hard to explain, given everything else I mentioned, but I just have to believe there’s a greater purpose to this life. So often I wonder how there can be a higher power who allows the things that happen to occur, because man, this life is not easy. And yet, I cannot accept that there isn’t more to this life and universe than just us crazy humans. Plus, I know it gives me peace and hope to believe in something or someone greater than me.

Religion and spirituality is such a personal experience. And I do think it provides people with community and peace, which is wonderful. If people leaned into that side of it more so than the hate or power plays, I would be more interested in reconsidering institutional religion. For now, I am taking a step back from that side of things and honing in on my personal relationship with God.

Wishing you all a wonderful holiday season!