Tis Me Michelle

Traveling can appear very glamorous, but it can be tricky. There is so much to consider. The where, the when, the what will there be to do, and for me, to eat. And of course, the with whom, if anyone.

My last few trips have been interesting. Somehow, almost every trip these last few years, something has gone wrong with my travel buddies. Whether it’s their passports expiring or getting sick. I get that things happen. Honestly, there’s been a rather annoying thing that’s come up personally. And that is that, both versions of what I think I want aren’t showing up as ideal, so I often end up feeling like I don’t know what I want. I am aware this is such a selfish problem to have.

I love my friends and family. I, of course, love spending time with them. Because of my love for travel, people have wanted to travel with me. I appreciate that. I am currently in the middle of the first time in my history, really going to therapy. There is a laundry list of things I’m working through. Some of the big things I have are having poor boundaries and having immense guilt. Most recently, I learned about time boundaries. I didn’t realize that was a thing. Almost everyone knows me as someone always available. That in itself is a lack of time boundaries. So I’m slowly learning about these things, and even more slowly, how to work through them.

When I travel with others, there is often very little input or planning from the other side. Since this is something I have become known for enjoying, it feels like there is an expectation that I’ll take the lead. This happens with food, too. Of course, I try to do research and plan beforehand. Figuring out the hotels, logistics, and possible activities is a lot. And I feel obligated to find things I believe the other person will want to do. It can feel like I’m an (unpaid) vacation planner who happens to get to tag along.

What can be more frustrating than the lack of initial collaboration is last-minute input. Because I am a people pleaser and conflict-avoidant on top of having bad boundaries, if someone says they would rather do something else, or it feels like they are uninterested, I’ll do what they want. It’s not so much about following the itinerary, but rather I often end up compromising on doing the things I really want to. Of course, the people I’m with are not at fault, because I don’t say anything to them. Keep quiet and carry on. On the rare occasion I do say something, it feels so uncomfortable, probably more to me than them. It really is a me problem.

The flip side to this, which was most deeply felt on my Quebec trip, is the loneliness that comes with solo travel. On some occasions, I don’t feel safe in a completely new place to run wild. As an introvert-leaning person, I am not casually making conversation with just anyone. Some things are just more fun with others. There are times I wish I had someone to talk to. And without having a buddy to enjoy time with, I find the activities go by much quicker than I anticipate. So it feels like there is so much time to fill.

And so, in the last year, I’ve even started questioning if I actually enjoy traveling. It isn’t the traveling portion I don’t like. I don’t like all the pressures that’s built up with it. There are pros and cons to both going solo and having a travel buddy. Between being the expected planner and go-with-the-flow-er, there is a weight of showing up for others. But the shared memories with people I love are a treasure. As lonely as solo travel can be, there is a confidence gained from navigating a new place on your own. I don’t know that I’ll stop doing either. I hope with time, I learn to work on myself enough, to show up in ways I can truly enjoy myself in both instances.

How do you like to travel? Where is the best place you’ve gone with a group vs. solo?