Recently, I talked about my existential travel crisis. So why not dive into some of my larger life crises? Between career and personal relationships, I am far from where I’d like to be. And where do I want to be? I’m hoping to really figure that out.
It’s truly the most frustrating thing. Knowing you don’t want the current situation, but also not knowing where you want to be. When it comes to a career, it’s irritating. I feel so lucky, especially in today’s world. I am aware that in the grand scheme of things, I am very privileged. I’ve had pretty steady work for over a decade. It affords me a very comfortable life. Which feels like a luxury these days. And I wish that were enough. I wish I didn’t weigh my identity so heavily with my career. What am I without it? What am I with it?
I knew from the beginning I wasn’t doing what I wanted, but it was ultimately the thing I was ‘allowed’ to do. The longer I stayed, the deeper I got stuck. With time, it’s only become more and more apparent that I’m in a profession that doesn’t align with anything I want aside from that paycheck. There was a time I thought climbing the ladder was what I wanted. If I could do that, it was like a sign I was on the right path or validation that I was good. That never happened. It took a toll on my mental health. I questioned why I wasn’t considered, got frustrated that I didn’t get any direction on how to get there, all while burning myself out.
Corporate America leads us to believe that our hard work benefits us. Yet it benefits them, with no guaranteed incentive. And in reality, I never wanted to go up that ladder. I don’t like ladders. A larger paycheck, sure, but I have no aspirations to become a manager, director, VP of someone else’s company. Especially at a large corporation that I don’t think aligns with my personal values. The way things are going these days, it feels like companies aren’t even pretending that they don’t care about humanity. It feels so wrong. Feeling so misaligned in my values on the regular is such a frustrating experience.
The day-to-day people are never the problem. I work with wonderful and brilliant people. Some of the things my team works on are really ‘cool’. But my role and contribution feel minuscule, leaning unnecessary. And with the looming future of AI replacing jobs, I’m not concerned about my role being replaceable by AI. Rather, it’s like I’m not needed at all. It’s like I don’t matter.
What I have come to learn in all that is that I want to do valuable work and work at a place that values me. A place where I feel like my work actually matters, has a positive impact. What I am still struggling with is what that work is. Having it all seems overly ambitious. In an ideal world, this would all happen at a place where I am doing something I love. I will actively be on the path to finding a job that aligns with my values and learn to understand that it will come with some possible uncomfortable trade-offs.
The idea of pivoting to a new career at this ripe age of 34 is scary. I have a deep fear of failure and disappointment. There is a lot I need to unpack there… In therapy. Staying in this career for another decade+ is even more terrifying. Maybe it won’t be in the next few weeks, months, or maybe not even in the next year or 2. It definitely won’t be another decade.
Let me know if you enjoyed this type of post. And maybe I’ll keep you posted on this, or do one on relationships.
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